As most of you know, I just had my second boy one month ago. My first was born almost a year and a half ago. Before I had my first child (let's call him "Alex") I was five-foot-four and weighed 105 pounds. I could eat anything I wanted to and didn't have to suffer the consequences. I couldn't gain weight if I tried. I know this, because I actually did try just to see if I could. I would look at billboards of sexy, flat-bellied models and could honestly say to myself, "I look just like that." I loved my figure, and quite honestly liked to flaunt it at times.
Then....I got married and ended up pregnant with my first child. This was great! It was what I always wanted; a husband and children. However, that meant losing my slender figure.
During my first pregnancy, I had a lot of self-damning views of myself. I thought I was wholly unattractive (because I was) despite the constant flow of sincere complimens from my adoring husband. I refused to exercise and eat properly, and therefore gained forty pounds. How was I supposed to feel sexy after gaining that much weight? However, after Alex was born, I lost almost all of my pregnancy weight within the first two weeks, save five pounds. I was determined to lose that five pounds and worked at it constantly. However, eight months later I was pregnant again. Oops..time to start over...again....dang it.....
So, this time around I walked five days a week for most of my pregnancy and felt great in many ways, one of them being my self-esteem. I still felt a bit like a heifer, but I was a sexy heifer, doggone it! I gained ten or so pounds less than last time! Again, after my second child was born (we'll call him "Charlie") I lost most of the baby weight within two weeks, save five pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight.
So, two babies later, here I am with love handles and ten to fifteen pounds (depending in the day) heavier than I've ever been in my life (boo hoo). I made a resolve to lose that ten pounds, and by golly, I'm gonna do it! I can't just be grateful that I almost instantly lost most of the weight I gained. I just HAVE to lose it ALL, because I'm ungrateful and unrealistic like that.
Yeah right. Hey, squishy version of Bonnie, get used to it. Because, quite honestly, you and I both know that your sweet tooth really gets in the way. I sit and wonder to myself as I browse the junk food boards on Pinterest, "Why can't I lose that ten pounds. Even five would be great for now. Is that too much to ask? Ooooh, that looks delicious! Definitely making THAT one later. *repin*"
So, long story in a nutshell, I have NO idea what's more important to me; feeling sexy, or eating delicious food whenever I want to. I definitely enjoy both, and I used to be able to enjoy both at the same time. However, justice is cruel and finally came back to bite me in the hiney, and I'm mentally unable to adjust. So, I am daily in this little fantasy world that I can eat whatever I want and do minimal exercise (well, none actually, for two more weeks) expecting my weight and pant size to magically drop back down to their original size, which actually will never happen. I'm a mother now. I will likely never look the way I did before I got married. Especially if I keep staying up until five in the morning writing blog posts when I should be sleeping like my babies are.
I'm not looking for sympathy, so please don't give me any. I just wanted to tell people how pathetically warped my way of thinking is. I find it rather amusing, actually. I laugh about it often. Not in a self-pitying way, but more in a "hey, exercise and eat better, or else!" kind of way.
